On Giving Advice

Seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill. - Gildor Inglorion

J.R.R Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I have given more than my fair share of advice, sometimes far more than anyone really wanted. I have never actually timed it, but I think it's safe to say that I form opinions quicker than the average bear, usually within the first minute of first hearing about a topic. I also rarely see any problem with sharing that opinion just as quickly as my brain puts two thoughts together. Unfortunately, I have found that advice based on a one minute old opinion is not particularly accurate nor helpful.

On the whole, I do not consider possessing the dual threat of an opinionated nature and a quick tongue to be a particularly good thing. But one good thing that has come from it is that I have learned a thing or two about what makes advice actually helpful, partially by giving a good deal of not so helpful advice. So, in the hopes that you can give less bad advice than I have, here are a few things I would recommend you do the next time someone starts a conversation with "What do you think I should do about..."

Seek the Whole Story

Before you give advice on any topic, you should always consider that you do not know the whole story. As I have said, I am often quick to give a "gut response", sometimes before the person has even finished explaining. The obvious problem with this is I almost certainly do not yet have enough information to give good advice. I might do well enough at recommending a restaurant to try on a trip to New Orleans, but if I am advising someone on how to mend a broken relationship, or telling a college freshmen which major they should consider and why, it is the height of arrogance to think myself so full of wisdom I can just rattle off a quick answer that will lead them down the path of wisdom. One short explanation, plus my personal experience and a blog I just read on a related topic do not combine to make good advice.

On the occasions when I did spend time trying to understand what lies beneath, and behind, and in front of the question I am being asked, I have often found that the person asking did not even know the whole story. "The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out" (Proverbs 20:5). People are not simple, and our motivations are not always easy to discern. Even my own heart can be a mystery to me, but I always appreciate those people who are understanding and patient enough to help me draw out what is really motivating me.

One of the most helpful things I have learned to do when asked for advice is to turn the question around and ask why they want to do one thing or another. Many times I find that it takes a minute, or even a couple of days, for that person to figure out their answer. They might be afraid of a potential outcome, or be trying to please someone without realizing it, or acting on an emotion they have not slowed down enough to identify. Sometimes simply asking the right question makes the answer obvious to the other person, and they find they know what they should do having seen it from another angle. Even if that's not the case, the more you understand about the situation, the better advice you will be able to give. So whenever possible be quick to ask questions and slow to give advice.

Know Your Bible

The more I recognize the seriousness and difficulty of giving good advice, the more I am gratefully that God has given us a light for our stumbling feet. The founder of all wisdom has given us a textbook on wisdom in his revealed Word. However, the Bible does not contain a proverb for every problem, nor did Jesus give specific instruction on every topic. Biblical advice then must consist of much more than finding 3 or 4 verses that seem to best fit the topic at hand. Rather, the wise counselor knows how to fit life's questions into the grand story that God has told throughout his interaction with humanity to better understand both the question itself, and how it should be answered. 

The Bible does not have a specific answer to most of the questions that people ask: Should I take this job? Should I date this person? Should I buy this thing? Unless you are considering a career as a thief or a date with an adulteress, there are no proverbs for these questions. Instead of scouring the Bible for a direct answer to their question, I find it much more helpful to flip it around and see whether the question fits into the Bible's story line. Will this job help me to care for my family and advance the kingdom? Will that relationship reflect the image of Christ and the Church? Will that thing help me to delight in the Lord?

Biblical advice is not about fitting the Bible into our answers, it is about fitting the question into the Bible. You will still have to do some work to determine which is the right answer in a particular circumstance, but once you see where the question fits into the story of God rescuing and redeeming his people out of their self-made prison of sin, I expect it will be very clear that the Bible does have the answer to your question. To do this well we must know not only the general theme of the Biblical story, but its height and depths, its logic and its emotion, its joys and it sorrows. Giving good advice begins today, as you read and study your Bible to learn how it speaks to your life, and the lives of those you want to influence and serve.

Keep it Simple

Proverbs is full of timeless advice from the man God said was the wisest to ever live. But if you read it, you will notice that a lot of what it says seem fairly obvious. For example, Proverbs 10:3 "A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich." Did I really need the wisest man who ever lived to tell me that lazy people don't make much money? However, just because it is obvious, does not make this advice less helpful. I have found this is often the case when giving advice. More often than not, people don't need to be told something new, or given a sophisticated answer to their complex problem, There is a time and place for that, but what most people need when they ask for advice is to be reminded of what they already know is true.

In my experience, when people ask for advice it is not usually about something very unique or intellectually complex. Their question may be about a situation that they do not like, or one which requires a lot from them. "My wife makes no sense to me. Am I really supposed to put up with all of her emotional baggage?" Or the consequences of their decision may seem very large. "Money is really tight right now. Do you think I need to keep giving to the church?" These situations are certainly difficult, but I don't need a PhD to understand what is going on. Likewise, the best advice on questions like these does not need to be particularly complex, comprehensive, or nuanced. Instead, what these questions need is a clear, simple, Biblical answer.

Many times I have been surprised at how much it helped someone for me to say what I thought would be completely obvious. Looking back, I think those people already knew what the right answer was, but because it was going to be hard to actually do they needed the encouragement of hearing someone else say it out loud. Do not think that because your answer is simple or seemingly obvious that it will not be helpful. Start with what is clear, and you may find that clarity was all that they really needed. 

Be Humble

If you have never been struck by the weight of giving advice, then I dare say you should never give any.  No matter how much experience you have, no-one can see the end of every road except the Lord himself. If you tell someone  you think they should chose a certain path, you can never be certain you are not sending them down the wrong road. You may have failed to fully understand the question, or there could be hidden dangers along the path you could not see. Either way, your advice would be wrong. People asking for advice are usually dealing with something more significant than picking out curtains, and the consequences of a bad choice will be equally significant. When you give advice on real life issues, your mistakes may cause someone else untold sorrow and suffering. If that does not give you pause, then you do not really care about the person you are advising. 

Add to that the fact that I cannot even be certain my own convictions, which guide any advice I may give, are wise and well founded. The reality is that my views are often changing on a range of things, from what books are worth reading, to theological positions, to perspectives on parenting and lifestyle, even in just the last few years. The advice I would give on many topics is also different than advice I have actually given just few years ago. I cannot know (but have certainly wondered) what effect that advice had, and whether it may have led people in a direction I would wish they had never gone. 

My stance on important topics is not arbitrary, and I hope any advice I give is based primarily on the Bible. But I am certainly not going to claim that I have everything figured out, or that I will still hold all of the same convictions 10 years from now. So how can I be certain that the advice I give now based on those convictions will lead people towards wisdom and joy? In many ways I cannot. That is not to say the possibility of my being wrong should prevent me from giving advice. Refusing to give advice can harm my brother just as much as giving bad advice. But the reality that my advice may very well be wrong should humble me and cause my tongue to be cautious, and slow to speak.

Be Optimistic

So long as we remain in this broken world the challenges we face will not have a perfect answer, especially when we are dealing with people. A biblical understanding of a fallen world reveals that even the best laid plans may end in unforeseen sorrow and loss. But the Bible does not direct us to hopelessness, far from it. Those of us who live by the Gospel know that no sorrow is great enough to overcome the hope we have in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Our God delights to redeem the worst circumstances for his purposes. 

Functionally, this means that as we make decisions and give advice to others we should realize that the best solutions will not always avoid risk, or prevent sacrifice and suffering. At the same time, we can joyfully make decisions that we expect to cost us much, or that incur a lot of personal risk, because we know that our hope is not in this world, and that even our death would result in our gain. The advice of a Christian, who has taken up their cross to follow Christ, should sound markedly different than the advice of anyone else.

Our advice should always be given with an undertone of optimism. We can hope where all hope seems lost, continue on when we face more than we can bear, and attempt much when we know we are weak. We can do all this because our confidence is not in ourselves, and while we know that this world will bring us more tears than we know, one day those tears will seem as nothing compared to our endless joy in the one who has already overcome the world.